How To: Dominate Your Coed Soccer League

PORTLAND- Your exuberant new girlfriend is a massive soccer fan, huh? It turns out, she has season tickets at Providence Park and is a proud member of the Timbers Army. Now she has signed you up for a coed soccer league without asking if you've ever played the damn sport before or not. Don't you worry, Cowboy. We've got you covered. Follow these steps and you'll be on your way to mediocre, athletic immortality. 

  1. Don't wear shorts that are too high or too low. You aren't playing pick-up basketball in the park and no one wants to see a wardrobe malfunction involving your dangly bits.
  2. Wear all black boots. They indicate that you are modestly the best player on the pitch or the guy who is frightened to be found out. You will honorably take the role of the latter but you will be commended for not being an asshole.
  3. Red cards are frowned upon. We all know that guy on the other team wearing his Eric Cantona jersey with collar up is a prick but this is not men's league. You being the bully will make all the women hate you, which in turn will make you despise the sport.
  4. If you score a goal, let loose. Do something creative and borderline offensive. Like give the corner flag a little shimmy-shimmy, butt tap. 
  5. Have a beer at halftime. Yes, alcohol is banned on the premises but it seems like fun has been banned in the game. Go ahead and get yourself a bit jingled for the 2nd half.
  6. Calm down. It's ok that your team is losing 9-0. Just go ahead and kick that Cantona guy.



Jeb Brovsky1 Comment